| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Ready..... LOOK AN UPDATE...
that is all. |
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| Ferrari |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|02:41 am] |
Oh and if anyone for whatever reason (hey i'm not gonna judge you) needs a english manual for a Ferrari, let me know I have pdfs lol
Jeeze I"m bored |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|02:35 am] |
Ok...Simple Task...Anyone who sees an older BMW when I mean older i mean 1986-1991 for sale in this area...LET ME KNOW!!! I want one in the worst way and actually have the funds so...yeh let me know!
P.S. It looks like this
http://www.ucalgary.ca/~mborrell/e303.JPG
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| Work = Borring = Livejournal and getting paid to update! |
[May. 30th, 2004|02:06 pm] |
okay wow, its been forever and a few days since i've written anything here. It's been a hiatus of sorts. I'm acutally going to make a concerted effort to kinda keep this more updated than once a month or more.
Currently, I got my lazy ass a job. I take reservations for an over priced limosine company. Call me sometime at work and bother me, unless its saturday or sunday when i avoid the place like the plauge. 800-451-5466 x2305. Otherwise everythings great. Last night hung out with Gfunk aka Gordon. Drove around listening to music for most of the night. Ended up in edgewater, played an overpriced game, went to the diner as fucking usual. I wish there was something better do to in this area, it's so life sucking to do the same damm thing all the damm time. At work right now, its painfully slow, damm holiday. But I'm not taking any lunch so i'm screwing them out of overtime pay. I love working the system to make it work for me.
It's been so damm long since i've updated i doubt anyone will actually read this, its weird but funny at the same time. I just don't really have anything interesting to say or think about anymore so its like why bother writing. I may end up going back to doing the whole this is what i did whith my day today type of babble posts, just to occupy myself at work. or something.
In other ideas and thoughts I'm trying to get a 1985-1991 BMW 3 series to play with and work on so if anyone sees one for sale under 1800 let me know! Thanks
Ok thats enough of my mindless dribble. Untill i'm bored at work again.... |
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| Way back and Way ahead |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|04:46 am] |
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Many years ago, when I was much younger, I used to think a lot about the future. What I would do, where my life was going, vs. what I wanted to be doing/going. It is highly unusual for a 10 yearold to think about these things. Still yet I find myself at 21 thinking the same things. I guess its always like that for everyone, whether they realize it or not. 11 years from now I bet I'll look back, and wonder where the years went, and try to think back to when I was 10 and remember whether or not if I got where I wanted to be when I was 10. Granted prespectives of this are drastically skewed about the ideas and ideals of a 10 year old vs a 32 year old person. I gather I'd be a father preferably at least 2 times over, a husband, an associate, a friend, and an overall good person, and definately not an overburdening stressful person. |
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| Sometimes my father scares me |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|03:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | David Chapel - Live in DC | ] |
yeh I know the joke is old, but its funny |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2004|03:16 pm] |
don't ya just love this....
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| Life....or something like it |
[Jan. 30th, 2004|11:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | We Didn't Start the Fire | ] |
Yesterday would have been the day that broke the camel's back...had it not already been broken. I am job-less, out of an original 19 credits i started with i'm now going to be down to 12, the one job I was banking on for the longest time is not replacing the next two people that leaves, so who the hell knows when, or if ever I get a call. I've got tuition, car insurance, and a shit load of other bills to pay, and without a job they won't get paid. Trust me i've been looking, but its similar to looking into the sky at night, a few dim lights here and a few dim lights there. Nothing all too bright and promising. I'm not even sure of my mood right now, i'm just kinda writing because for once, I know whats bothering me, and I can describe it exactly, word for word. Argh, I guess i'll go back to looking for work...take it easy |
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| NJIT |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | VERY BORED!!!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Indians Talking their curry language | ] |
so another hour and a half to go. I hate this time when all I can do is sit around, and do either reading or sitting online doing nothing. Its cold too. I figure they need to save money so they turn the fucking heat off. Teriffic. Just teriffic. Theta Chi had a BBQ in the snow (yes it was snowing) Those guys are not the brightest of the bunch but their fun to hang around with and rip on from time to time. Anyway so I had my first Management 290, business law class. The professor is quite halarious, very real and understandable. She makes it interesting and I definately think I'll do well in it. Math is up next...the same math i've failed 2 times before
like they say, third time's the charm. All this time there is this kid walking around the building i'm sitting in, swaying and talking under his breath to himself, kinda weird. Also then a cop came by, took out his pad and pen, and jotted something down, and walked off. This is a strange strange place I'm in today... |
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| Adaptation |
[Jan. 12th, 2004|04:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bad Religion - New America | ] |
I was watching Adaptation earlier today when, I guess you could take it as inspiration came to me to write. Not necessarily just because of the movie, and more of that and other events of the last few days combined into one. 1) I haven't written in a while, 2) I've finally been able to piece together the words from thoughts racing around in my brain like the vibrations from a speaker, eventually forming logical sound in the air. I haven't really had the urgency to write for a long time, nor the need. But I regress from my intended point, I'll stop boring you all with my inner musings.
This was all borne out of a single quote that struck me in an extraordinary way. It's one of those "it kind of makes your think" clichs, but as it well may be, it did make me think. In observation, and thus deep reflection, I'll keep you hanging in suspense, albeit light suspense for another few lines, some people embrace things for many reasons, some to escape, some to feel better, and some just because it brings meaning to their otherwise meaningless life. Just to spare you: "I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately." If you think about it lightly, rocks, cars, pennies, stamps, and a rather objective grouping of objects come to mind when you think about it. Where my thoughts intersected at just below a 45-degree angle, took me to a tangent thought about myself. Call it narcistic and self absorbed and dare I say selfish, but I cannot recall one think I have or may have felt passionately about. All past obsessions as I should put them haven't held my attention long enough to have an entirely large enough impact on my life, enough to care about enough and occupy my thoughts. It all used to be to just go through the motions to get through the day, week, month, year, which is until now.
"You are what you love, not what loves you." Indeed so it may seem. I do love to write, but am I a writer, in some diluted form? yes I would say I am. A good one? Not by far. I write what I think, what I feel, and what I see, which ironically isn't that much far off from what other people do. To be unique, you just have to be you. You are what makes what ever you translate to ink and paper, or a series of 1's and 0's on top of another billion series of 1's and 0's different from the next guy or girl. I wouldn't say I am fanatical about writing, as those of you who may read this may assume. (again) I regress from my intended topic.
I have since, in the past 7 months, have indeed found something I do feel passionately about. Something/one that has enveloped all my thoughts and future actions to some degree. It gives me a purpose, and a direction to take. Motivation to wake up in the morning/afternoon and face the world. It's a comfort, a joy, a source of a plethora of emotions that I have not ever encountered or even imagined delving in, in my entire life uphill that point. The point I knew I had found something to profoundly and definitively proclaim to myself that I have indeed found someone I care about passionately and thoroughly. However it took the absence of her to make me realize this.
I close with a quote, how...I guess trite.
"There are too many ideas and too many people. And too many directions to go. I was starting to believe that the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that is whittles the world down to a more manageable size."
I miss and love you honey. =) |
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| So.... |
[Jan. 1st, 2004|02:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the hum of the computers next to me | ] |
New Years, A time for being close, and a time to reflect on the year past and the year to be. *shrug* just like any other day really when it all comes down to it. Except the fact that people get together, drink (maybe to forget the year past, or to purge memories of the past year, or to vomit once more just before the year is up), and be merry. It's one of those holidays that is a wishywashy one if you will. Some people take it to the extreme and sit out in the cold at times square for the entire day to see the ball drop, which in itself is silly, but i'll get to that in a minute. Others work, go home to bed, and sleep all day, and sill others decide to get shit faced, make a total fool of themself (yes i've been known to do that from time to time), or just sit and relax in solice. Or, like two years ago, I spent it playing GT3, watched the ball drop, then ended up driving through harriman with Josh cause I was so bored. But anyway. Seriously though, the giant ball? WHO the HELL decided that dropping a ball down a flag pole was a way to ring in the new year? It really makes no sense. Now a clock, that makes sense, but a ball? no.
Its late, I'm tired, and need sleep and a job, but i've opted for sleep, nite. |
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| Woot! |
[Dec. 17th, 2003|01:43 am] |
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I'm 21....hello bar! |
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| Perfect? |
[Nov. 23rd, 2003|03:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Simple Plan - Perfect | ] |
So I ran accross this song a while ago and now that things are movin around a lot like they used to, so much uncertianty lately, I feel this song applies...
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect |
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| Turning point, whats the point |
[Nov. 12th, 2003|07:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alkaline Trio - She Took Him to The Lake | ] |
So being jobless again I've had a bit of time to think about a bunch of things. One being mainly the people around, rather the people that used to be around. There are way too many events that transpired over the past few months that many people are quite familliar with. I know change is inevitable, it happens all over the world, all the time. Hell the seasons change, but then again not really anymore, its hot its cold its hot its cold, anyway you get the idea. Random side note, my face is bleeding. Yay.
So change occurs, just like shit. But we know why shit occurs, but change is a pesky cock fuck. The variables, too imense to comprehend, present themselves as random innocent situations. But over time of being exposed to it, change occurs. Kind of like when one sits on uranium for a while, their ass is bound to change at some point. But anyway I regress. Its interesting to see how someone who once was truthful and honest become incredibly devious and fake. Another side question if I may...How the hell does someone become so fake so fast? Is the the people in close proximity, or is it an event? I personally think in the particular case I'm thinking about is the fact that the people in close proximity caused such change. This is all very irritating and aggrivating, but wait there is more!
So again, we have change, and then we have people who want change, but only around certian people. I think its amusing to watch someone follow another around with their head so far up the other's ass that they could practically be one person. Pathetic! Yet when their idol, or statuette isn't around, they act like themselves. I really think that individuals with this, disorder of sorts should seek help at once, and purge themselves of this world. Furthermore I wish people would just get up and say to someone's face, stop being fake and get your head out of their ass and live your own damm life. Stop seeking so much approval from someone, live your own goddammed life and answer to no one but yourself. Your comptetnt aren't you? If not, well dosen't that just suck for you!
Next is the compulsive people, these people take steps to do things, but ultimately they lose interest, or completely forgot about it one day. Seriously though, compulsive liars....I swear, these people have no idea what their saying or doing, OR they do and lie to themselves to convince them that choice A is better than choice B or that they slept with 40 people and their only 21! I don't even know what else to say other than just quit it, see yourself for what you are, stop being whorish and move the fuck on!
There you have it, a genuine rant from myself to you. It's been a while since I last had something to bitch at. It felt good thank you. If this is taken out of context, I don't care! Don't involve me with petty shit cause thats what it is, PETTY!
Thank You. Good Night...cocky fuck.....damm that is a fun phrase! |
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| Its been a damm long while |
[Nov. 4th, 2003|01:32 am] |
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HOLY SHIT! it's been over a month since i've touched this thing. Maybe its time i drop by and say hello here. Kristin's sleeping, and I can't, there's a shock. I haven't been sleeping well lately, I think its the Welbutrin to help me quit smoking thats making me a bit nutty and out of my mind sometimes. I don't know. Being jobless sucks cause I can't afford anything that I want. Like the motorcycle i want, its only 3k but i don't have 3k, shit i barely have 20 cents to rub together to make a quarter. But in general i'm happy, i do my thing get by and sleep sometimes. its good living here. I love my girl, an she loves me, and quite honestly, all the money in the world can't buy the feeling of waking up next to the person you love.... |
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| Class |
[Sep. 3rd, 2003|06:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hindu professor bable | ] |
Well here I am, updating once again, I do still read this, I just haven't had a lot to talk about for the last 3 months. So this is corporate finance. Quite elementary if you ask me, considering I have taken both economics classes already, so this is a breeze. I'm just kinda of sitting here writing this to kill time. Being awake at 5am till now is a long fucking time to stay awake. Theres a few things I still need to do but whatever it'll wait. I'm just writing to say how amazing of a summer I had and how I didn't think that the summer would be all that, and a bag of doritos, but in acutalaty it turned out to be the best summer of my entire life. I don't think i've ever been so happy before, albiet when i was a small child and the only concern of mine was who was going to change my dirty diaper, but still, putting things into prespective, it's been the best, not necessarially the smoothest, but the best all around summer i've ever had. More later.... |
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| Um...Is this thing still on? |
[Aug. 11th, 2003|07:21 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Finch - Without You Here | ] |
Has anyone else noticed that this box that you type into says "event:" now. Is it really an event, or just a random mussing that people put here. Well I'm sure things that people put in here by its very relavance becomes an event, everything is an event really, from breathing to sleeping. It's something that happend, hell even a thought is an event of thousands of neurons firing in the correct patterns to generate a logical thought. Or in somecases, and more often than not, an illogical one. Anyway I'm done and yes i realized i contradicted myself.
I'm bored at home, whatelse is new. I've got no place to go and an active imagination, thus the previous post was born, if you get it great, if not thats cool too cause you can put your own spin on it and take it for what you want it to be, but if you'r curious, just ask, I'm glad to answer questions about my writing and mussings about whatever it is i think about and do. Also if your as bored as I am, check out my other site with tons more writing and other creative things born from boredom...
web.njit.edu/~kn3/unrelated/old_site/index.html |
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| What it is to Become and Be... |
[Aug. 11th, 2003|07:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pensive | ] |
So begins another week.
A week of sleepless restless nights.
The urge to leave this place grows stronger with every waking moment.
I'm dancing with the idea to leave.
Waltzing right out of this place,
to a better one.
The hurt the pain of being detatched is mounting,
I need to break free of the bonds of greenbacks.
I want to escape to a place where knowledge and thoughtfullness reign.
Filtering out the blackness to open up a vastness of blue and beauty,
unsurpassed by anything known to this day.
I want to run in the feilds behind the house,
breathe in the air and know I'm free,
Free to do what I want, when I want,
not having to worry about the man looking through the camera.
This fleeting feeling of watchfulness slips out the crack under the door,
only in your dreams.
If only I could be there; live though it,
I'd be satisfied with life.
Only I feel the minutes and hours,
slipping by just as the pavement slips behind the car.
Helpless but to watch it slip through the fingers,
Turned to moltent metal, reflecting times behind;
yet hinting towards the future, and what is to come and be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2003|11:37 pm] |
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I'm in for another long ass borring week...or maybe its gonna be hectic again, who knows but monday to friday...man its gonna suck..school starts soon, not too wild about that idea, but if i get my shit together its only 4 more semesters i have to deal with, then work, then hopfully grad school. Its going to be a definately interesting upcomming 3 years...shit i'll be 23 in 3 years...oh i feel old =( |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2003|05:36 pm] |
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Still just counting the hours, minutes, seconds....Dammit Saturday Hurry the Fuck up and get here alreadY! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2003|12:48 am] |
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Two days and a few hours.... |
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| So this is where I went... |
[Jul. 20th, 2003|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Brown Derbies - Walking in Memphis | ] |
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to write. I've forgoten my rule of writing. Let it flow, don't think just put it down on paper. So with that said, here it goes, a concious thought stream. I'm listening to a springsteen song right now. I saw him play last thursday, it was one of the most exhilerating times of my life. To be able to look up all around me and see 55,000 people singing, waving, screaming, and having a damm good time. There were no quarrels, screaming matches, fighting. Just every one having a good time. Now I ask you, why dosen't this happen all the time? Is it just human nature to want to hate, envy, be inveralby mean to one another? I don't know, I just wonder where we're going as a race. Do we get enjoyment out of seeing other people suffer or get upset? Is it some machosististic desire to see bad things happen to people, to get them upset or mad? I don't know, I just rely on my upbringing to realize that in general, most people will treat you as you treat them. Moving on, my mind likes to change directions a lot if you haven't noticed. This has to be the best summer of my life to date, I've been enjoying life and the company of my best friend, my companion, my lover, my everything. It's shocking to think it was only a month and a half that I've met her for the first time. Kristin is really an inspiration for me, a kick in the ass if you will. She's the main reason I go to bed at night, and wake up the next morning. Its so odd to be sitting online again, its the second day actually, but its odd. I remember really enjoying just getting home and planting my ass on this chair and talking to people online, but lately I really tire of it quickly. I get so restless now when I'm on my own. I think the only thing that keeps me here is the fact that I have work at 7am tomorrow, and after that I'll see Kristin again. Now all this sounds mushy and such, but it's the God's honest truth. To be able to say that this one single person is the factor of my life that grounds me. That this one single person makes me feel at home wherever we are. The day I met her I had this weird feeling that I have known her before, but I couldn't ever place a finger on it. To this day I still can't, but I still feel I've known her for the longest time. Shes one of the few people I know that I can spend all my time with and never get tired of seeing her or talking to here. When we have silence between us, its plesant and comfortable. I've never felt this close to someone ever in my life. I always felt a longing for something/some one but not anymore.
This is good....very good. |
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| Um...Is this thing still on? |
[Jul. 10th, 2003|05:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
It's been quite sometime since I've even looked at this site. It's good to see that somethings never change. Well suprisingly once again I have nothing good to say, so .... 'late |
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| I love June... |
[Jun. 25th, 2003|05:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Train - Drops Over Jupiter | ] |
Okay...so yeah...it's been forever and a day since I last wrote in this thing. I kept meaning to write here more...nah just kidding. I've spent less time online in the last 2 weeks than I think I have ever since I've gotten an internet connection. And I've discovered life outside the computer/digital world. I've experienced more emotions in the past 3 weeks than I have in the longest time. Not just any emotions however, the best of the best, creme de la creme, In case you haven't caught my drift by now, I'm fuckin happy as hell, and I doubt that ANYTHING short of death would put a damper on my feelings lately. I've been with this amazing woman, she treats me really well, I've never been treated so well in my life by another person, its great.
This weather, this day, this feeling,
I've got everything to look forward to,
so would you please turn back,
and burn my bridges? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2003|05:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Finch - Stay with me | ] |
I want to make a meaningful update here but I never could have thought I'd never have the words to describe whats going on right now. I mean obviously I've been one of the happiest people walking the earth lately. Which is a complete 180 of 2 weeks ago. Again with the lack of words. Rain is amazing, cliffs and sunrises, fog, car alarms, guys eating their hands, diner hopping...I mean what else can I say...well a lot but I don't have the words....
I'm gonna go do something else now. Later |
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| Suddenly It's beginning to feel like home again.... |
[Jun. 1st, 2003|05:46 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown | ] |
So, just as soon as I decide to give up on worrying about an hurting aspect of my life, it falls into my lap. Not literally, but pretty close. I'm in awe of what transpired in the last few hours. Literally hours. It's remarkable, but as I'm sitting here, its hard to wonder, but how, why? I'm speechless, I don't get it, why now, why not last week, or a few days ago. I'm confused, but when am I not. All I can say is that I have not a word at my disposal to describe the thoughts going through the vast...well whatever it is in my head. It's like open jaw syndrome, the mouth is moving, well in this case, the fingers are typing, but nothing tangable is commin out. I do know that it is far from bad, no scratch that, it's the most remote location from bad.
For the time past me,
I'm floating in emptyness.
Scraping by day in day out,
Struggling to keep it together.
For the moment, I'm fine.
Future outlook is over the top,
I've got my hand in my pocket,
(no this isn't an alanis rip)
and the other one is lighting a cigarette,
I'm walkin down the road head high,
feeling good, doing what I can,
when I can to enjoy life,
and the beauty that surrounds me.
It's a fogy morning in the mountians,
Three souls take flight,
rising past the mist the sun breaks.
Filling them with warmth and,
a sudden strange sense of security.
It feels like home,
and thats all that matters.... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2003|11:12 pm] |
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Hey all you Livejournal People, this thing is pretty cool, sign up, www.friendster.com its interesting how many people you know by 4 degrees of seperation. so sign up, add me as a friend, kn3@njit.edu |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2003|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  recumbent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unwritten Law - Superman | ] |
what a crappy weekend. Got to watch man hole covers explode on the news earlier, has to be the highlight of the day. Nothin special new. Got shitfaced 2 days in a row, been just kinda hanging around the last 3 days. Seein some people I haven't in a while, sittin in the diner, shootin pool, ya know, nothin all that exciting. It seems as if when things seem to be going well, you got shot down to where you were before things went well. It's a sick cycle that I doubt will ever end. This holds true for everyone i think. I said some things earlier that I didn't mean to, just heat of the moment and now I'm kicking myself for them. But who knows, just hope it'll straighten out and be good again. Someone from the last good year of my life hasn't been talking to me since skate and surf fest, i'm not sure why, but whatever, (even though she owes me 30 bucks) I dunno. This is a transitional period for everyone. Despite this, things could be worse, much much worse...Just lookin for that next wave to carry me on to newer more interesting things to do, like in 6 months when I'm 21. haha. riight. We'll see what the next week has in store, maybe a shipment of good will arrive, or not, who knows...but thats the beauty of life, its unexpected. Even though we'd love to know whats gonna happen in 2, 5, 10, 20, 30 years, ya know? Ok enough philosphisizing for one night, my head hurts. and work tomorrow...though i'll have my own computer..WOO...finally 2 months later...night |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2003|03:28 am] |
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i am officially drunk, and got the number to a cute chick fro m franlinl lakes...BOOYAH! and i'll prolly call in 3 days and ge shot down......oh well..that is all... |
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| Coming back to life |
[May. 19th, 2003|12:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - Cluster One | ] |
So I've been done with class and school for a few days now. Nothing much new going on. I guess I'm posting just for the sake of posting. Work is going well, I actually got to make a decision that impacts my department. Not saying the others were to happy about it, but thats the cost of business I guess. Tons of work, and early wakeup calls...always an enjoyable thing to wake up before the sun breaks the horizon in the morning. Summer classes start for me in a week, the 27th I think. It's gonna be interesting to say the least. As for the summer, I really don't have a lot planned, Work obviously, school, the show, sleep where I can manage, and just hopefully having a good time wherever I go. A good friend of mine will be living close to me when i'm at school, so thats a good thing, considering I haven't seen much of him in the past four years when he was at school. Definately one of the few people I could call a close friend, and definately see me still being good friends into the distant future.
Now I know all of you who read this babble from time to time are thinking to yourselves, 'now he hasn't mentioned any women yet, what the hell is the deal with that?' Well don't go scratching a hole into your heads, here it comes. I'm beginning to worry and care less and less about it. The way I see it, what happens happens. If it does that'd be amazing, but if not, well, I'm fine with that. It's like everyone's telling me, you can't go looking for it, it just has to sort of happen. So thats the way I'm looking at it. Sure there are people I know that I'd like to date, but will it happen? Who knows. If it turns out that way, I'd be happy as hell, but will I continue my fall into the depths of myself because I think no one wants to be with me? Hell no. It's stupid and pointless. And those are the things that I need to cut out of my life, the stupid and pointless things and people. Their just extra baggage and its draging my ass to the ocean floor quicker than concrete shoes. I'm just in it for the long run. I'm learning to look out for myself more and more. And I'm beginning to think its for the better. I'm all I can be to any one person, and if I'm not me to myself, then who the hell am I? You know? So, there you have it...The update of the week. I'm gonna try to hit this thing up a bit more often now, but ya never know. |
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| "Everything is everything, but your missing...." - The Boss |
[May. 8th, 2003|03:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Counting Crows - Mr. Jones VH1 storytellers. | ] |
I'm beginning to forget what it is like to feel anything but sorrow for myself. I'm stuck in this repeating loop for ever. I'm doing nothing but dragging myself down, and taking it all into the hole I've dug myself. The frail thin front I've built infront of myself is cracking at the seams exponentially. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep it together much longer. I'm stuck in rejectionville for another few weeks, it's like I'm being punished for something I didn't do, or even worse, being me. I try. I try to be a good guy, the funny guy, the one everyone can depend on, the one who looks out for himself, as well as others, the unselfish one, the one willing to go that extra mile, the one that opens himself up for people, the one who's not afraid to do different things. I'm that guy, who gets fucked over all the time. Sure I get my little breaks here and there but those breaks are getting far and few between, and what used to keep me going isn't anymore. I'm sick of feeling like this. It's like I'm getting numb to everything and when and IF something comes around I'll be too cold and bitter to realize it in time and further force myself into this downward spiral of anit-feeling. I wish I had a group of people like me willing to go anywhere do anyting and not worry about it, carpe diem people, for fucks sake seize the goddammed day and make something of it. Like today I went to Bear Mt. to attempt to clear my head. It only brought back memories, I couldn't shove them back on the shelf with the dusty ones. In times like this its odd that only the bad memories come back to haunt your mind, torment you. I'm stuck in this...thing, confused, upset, full of self doubt. I don't really feel to swell about myself anymore, and could you blame me? I try to go out and do things but my head and past and those automatic things that I don't even think of or realize that I'm doing come up and bite me in the ass and sabotage my intentions to make the best of something so instead I end up in the fringe looking on at people having a good time carrying on and shit. I'm looking for a way out, and frankly I can't see it on the horizon, even beyond the horizion.
Could anyone help me remember what it's like to feel happy, joyous, jubiliant, and if you haven't realized I'm running outta synonyms to keep my brain thought going. I'm going to sleep, maybe to forget. |
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| WhaT? |
[May. 8th, 2003|03:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Evanescence - My Last Breath | ] |
Falling further into the depths of my mind,
Looking deeper into my soul, deeper than before.
I find myself in an old familliar place,
a place I've visited so often I could call it home.
Memories hanging on the walls,
This place is a cold depraved one.
I'm conceding my feelings,
To the memories.
I'm unraveling at the seams,
Comming undone, I'm exposed,
everyone can see me at this second,
scrutinizing every action, thought, feeling.
Murphy's law applies every day now,
I'm looking for a way to climb out.
The ladders I climb to escape,
are attatched to thin air,
Pulling my hopes and dreams down,
only till I get halfway out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2003|03:44 am] |
oooh by the way i forgot to tell ya this thing is friends only, my father somehow learned the power of the internet and has been reading this so in efforts to disable his advantage over me, i'm goin friends only...sorry for the inconvinence, if you wanna read just message me on aim blackxglass or leave a comment on this and i'll add you...
sorry all... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2003|05:57 am] |
So its really early, like..maybe 6 am early, and i don't even have to be up this early. I've been up all night, sipping on johnny walker, smoking cigarettes, and listening to music. And all that time I've been reflecting on the past few months. Thinking over the things said back and fowarth over cups of coffee in a diner, things said over the phone and online. Realizing some of the bullshit, the truth, and all the other shit thats gone on. The stupid things I've done in groups and by myself. The endless pipe dreams I continiously put myself through. Christ, I lead myself on from time to time. Situations of people all around me are steadialy improving to a level at which they are happy with. Yet I'm still sitting here on the pleatau that I have achieved with getting a job 3 weeks ago.
I look over my right shoulder, at the picture of us underneath 53rd street, the picture taken over a year ago. I'm desperatly missing those times right now. I'm watching the sun come up over the buildings of New York City, remembering the times driving as the sun was comming up, the both of us tired as hell, but still aprecieating the scenery, the music playing softly in the background, and the empty highway. I'm just gonna go out an say that I genuinely miss you, I haven't been able to say that about anyone before. .... |
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| I'll be okay. |
[Mar. 18th, 2003|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sugarcult - Drive all Day | ] |
Shit its been a damm long time since I updated. I've been really busy lately with class, work, (yes I got a job, and my car back), and the company. Things are moving allong rather smoothly. I'm on spring break now, just gettin ready for work now, I dunno, I just felt like I should update, not a whole lot of time to get out whats on my mind, rather, not quite sure how to get it out at this point. Maybe the ride to work will shed some light, or at least relax me. |
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| Futile.... |
[Mar. 10th, 2003|02:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Robert Miles - Children (Dream Version) | ] |
Its really amazing what another artist can come up with when interpreting another's work. For instance, Tori Amos' version of smells like teen spirit is so peaceful, so reflective sounding. As opposed to Nirvana's original, which is so full of energy, anger, sorrow, and a myriad of other emotions. I dunno why I decided to start off like that. Just a random thought I guess. So the beginning of another week. More uneventful days to pass. Nothing else new here. Just making it though life, dodging everything that is thrown my way. I'm not ready for anything right now. I'm hardly ready for myself lately. I've gotta find the motivation to get off my lazy ass and get shit done. I gotta get up in 8 hours and go to class on time for once. I gotta get ready for my management midterm. I've gotta do my accounting homework. I've gotta ship my amp, I gotta meet the kid who wants my pedals, I gotta fix my debt. I've gotta get through this semester so I can keep going, so I can make it through yet another uneventful year. I've gotta open my mouth more, let my feelings be heard or felt. I've gotta know that one thing is for sure. I've gotta ask, and tell, and let what I want heard be heard. I've gotta get out more, I've gotta make more friends. This is a partial list of things I've 'gotta' do. This is futile. I'm goin to bed |
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| The more you change the less you feel. |
[Mar. 6th, 2003|03:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight | ] |
I've decided to not transfer to Rutgers in the fall, regardless of what they have to say. I mean, my measley 25 credits probably won't ever transfer there. So whats the point. It would be as if I was an incomming freshman with 2 years experience. Useless. Moving on, the group of people I converse with on a regular basis is slowly but surely diminishing day by day. I'm not quite sure what this means. I don't think its the smell. I'm perplexed. I hardly get phone calls from the people I used to get phonecalls from. Who knows. As long as I know the people that are in it for the duration are in it for the duration. I've tried to get out there and make friends here, but time after time I retreat back to my room, to sit on my bed and watch movies, things I've downloaded, or stare at a blank screen waiting for people to message me. (Don't mind the self loathing) Even the normal number of people that comment on this don't comment anymore, let alone post much anymore.
I've been getting up on time for classes, surviving through them, but not finding the motivation to do anything after class. Its so unintelligable for me to comprehend. I feel like a 20 year old burnout thats burnt out on being burnt out, if that makes any sense. I need to find work, soon, cause I'm broke, and my debt is slowly growing. I hate it, I hate the screwed up totally backwards situations I get myself into these days. Its like I'm at the beginning of planning my downfall without really trying. I'm accelling at being mediocre. Who the hell knows. I'm stuck on someone, still, idk, can't explain it in my head let alone out loud, or on paper, or pesudo paper such as this. For once in my life I'm confused about what I'm feeling, and more importiantly why. |
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fixedhalo's journal
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